A Note From David Baddiel

January 30, 2009

One person I did actually ask to contribute to this blog was my good friend and ex-comedian, David Baddiel.  This is what I received in the mail this morning. I must warn you that David uses the ‘C’ word quite a lot here, so please, no matter what side of that particular fence you sit on, please do bare with me. We’re all grown ups here, physically anyway.

Dear Shane,

I would be delighted to write you a little something for your blog. I would hate you to think that I was some miserable old cunt – Sorry, can I use the word ‘cunt’? Some people have a real problem with this word. I’m not sure why. It was an issue I raised with my long-time comedy partner Frank Skinner only last week.

“Why can we use the word ‘twat’, Frank? But we can’t say ‘cunt’.”
“It’s five in the morning Dave! Fuck off!” And the intercom went dead. So I hopped on my bike and headed over to my other ex-comedy partner Rob Newman’s house. En route, I reflected on Skinner’s rudeness. Did he think he was better than me? Did he think he was funnier? More likeable? I didn’t care what he, the media or the general public had to say. I was my own man, capable of making people laugh without needing someone else beside me (Baddiel Syndrome anyone?). I rested my bicycle on Rob’s Porche and skipped up to the front door. Thankfully, the lights were still on in the house.

“It’s David!” I yelled as I rang the bell. One by one, you could almost say frantically, all the lights in the house went out. I peered through the letterbox just in time to see a dark figure scurry into the kitchen. Was I at the wrong house? Seventeen, no, this was Rob’s house.

“Rob? Are you there?”…
“I think you are”…
“I’m not!”
“Rob, why can’t we use the word ‘cunt’ but we are able to use the word ‘twat’? They mean the same thing!” The figure in the kitchen, crouching behind the fridge, sagged, seeming to release a whole torso worth of tension.

“Connotations David. Words are subjective. They can mean different things to different people. People interpret them differently. ‘Cunt’ and ‘twat’ no longer mean ‘vagina’. Steve Coogan is a ‘cunt’, but Peter Andre is a ‘twat’. See what I mean? I paused, taking all of this in. Finally I ventured…

“Do you want to start up Newman and Baddiel again?”
“Fuck off!” As the plate hit the door, I knew he did not. I cycled home a little down in myself. I nearly swerved off the road as my pocket vibrated. I had gotten a text. It was from my friend Shane. The text read; “Did u manage to wryt something 4 my show yet? & by the way no, 4 d lst tym, I dnt wnt to form a comedy duo wit u”… “Oh shit!” I thought. I had completely forgotten to write something. I’ve been rambling for ages! Where was I? Oh yeah…

So in conclusion, I think the BBC we’re wrong not to broadcast the GAZA appeal.

Yours Sincerely,
David Baddiel.

…Not Also, But Only.


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